Lacking isn't something I want to do

Just a short note on my priorities not feeling straight in my head.

I have this friend that is a better friend then anyone deserves. Isn't that what we all want? Friends that we trust and can talk to, that make us laugh and we can be our complete fool selves. Thats what I want. Just good friends. We want that, its hard to come by. Its hard because, though thats what we want, thats not what we are. I sit here and think I have great friends that would basically do anything for me without much question. Am I that kind of friend? I know I want to be, more then anything and I hope that I am. Deep down though I know I'm not. I take more then I give. I ask more then I answer. We are all guilty of it. Nobody can be perfect all the time, but some people really try. I do. It never works though.

I'd do anything for my friends, really I would. If somebody called me on the East coast and said they needed me to pick them up from New Mexico, all I'd say would be, "Can I sleep fast before I leave?". I feel like I try to be a great perfect friend, but its not good enough, or I just can't stay focused on that. So I let the people I care about the most down. I hate that more than anything else ever. Again I'll try and maybe this time I'll do better, remind myself more. Even if that does not work, I'll keep trying.

Just venting or rambling. Not sure which. Had to get that out of my head though and this is the best way I know. To those I feel I let down. I'm sorry. More sorry then you could imagine. Next time I do this how about just slap me in the face with my own words. It won't change my apologies but I will try more and do better. I promise, forever, even when I'm not a really great friend, I'll be there, trying, always.